Thursday, September 14, 2006

The Path to Iraq - Part Two

As promised, here are a few key scenes from Part Two of ABC's upcoming miniseries, "The Path to Iraq," a revealing look at the events leading up to America's disastrous decision to invade Iraq. If Part One seemed hard on Bill Clinton, Part Two promises to anger Republicans with its unsparing account of how George W. Bush and the Republican Party failed to do all that they could to resist the Democrats' push for war.

[SCENE: A large ballroom, full of glittering Hollywood celebrities dressed to the nines. The camera pans around the room, revealing at one point a large banner which reads "Hollywood Loves Hillary." The camera comes to rest on BILL and SENATOR HILLARY CLINTON, who are standing side by side, smiling. Or rather, BILL CLINTON is leering as his gaze follows various nubile young starlets; HILLARY wears a tight, fixed, rigid smile. HILLARY is speaking in an urgent whisper]

H. CLINTON: [in furious whisper] You IDIOT! You did WHAT!?

B. CLINTON: Aw, Hon, it was just a quick li'l drop-in. Ah hadn't seen ol' Osama in a long tahm.

H. CLINTON: I cannot BELIEVE you parachuted into Tora Bora and WARNED him! Are you trying to get me thrown out of the Senate on my ASS?

B. CLINTON: Aww, Babe, we owed Osama one. After all that cash money he gave for our Whahtwater defense fund . . . all under the table, of course . . .

H. CLINTON: You know the one thing I care about more than money is POWER. And if it gets out that you helped Bin Laden escape AGAIN my [BLEEEEP]ing political career is OVER.

[A familiar-looking couple approaches BILL and HILL]

B. CLINTON: Hon, keep it down, now, somebody maht hear ya. Look, here come Sean and Barbra.

H. CLINTON: [swiftly turns to face BILL and knees him in the nuts, hard, while hissing -] -- I'll deal with you LATER, you [BLEEEP]hole.

[Sean Penn and Barbra Streisand walk up to the Clintons. Hillary's fierce scowl at Bill changes instantly to a smile of feigned warmth]

H. CLINTON: Barbra! Sean! It's SO good to see you! Thank you SO much for holding this fundraiser for me.

BARBRA: Oy, it's nothing.

B. CLINTON: Hey, y'all. Barbra, baby, you're looking mighty fine. [BILL eyes Barbra lasciviously, then gives her a lingering kiss on the mouth. When the passionate kiss is finally over the flustered Barbra blushes, giggles, and pats her hair.]

[Quick close-up of Hillary's face, scowling]

B. CLINTON: Sean! Hey, dawg. [BILL eyes SEAN lasciviously, then gives him a lingering kiss on the mouth. When the passionate kiss is over the flustered Sean blushes, giggles, and pats his hair].

BARBRA: So listen, you two kids, Natalie brought some fanTAStic blow. Ya wanna go into the back room and do a few lines?

B. CLINTON [starting to move, presumably towards back room.]: When in Rome . . .

H. CLINTON [seizing BILL's arm in steely grip]: Thank you SO much, Barbra, but not tonight. Too many photographers around. [everyone laughs]

[the next scene is set in HILLARY's Senate office. HILLARY is behind her desk. Another woman, who is apparently an aide - she's holding a stack of files - is standing in front of HILLARY's desk. The aide is a stocky middle-aged woman with close-cropped hair, wearing a pantsuit and sensible flat shoes]

AIDE: Jesus, Hill, I cannot believe he did that. What if someone finds out he actually warned Bin Laden - America's Public Enemy Number 1?

SEN. CLINTON: It's gonna KILL my career, that's what. We can't afford to have the press digging around into Bill's whereabouts . . . especially not that Terry Moran or that Charlie Gibson. Or Barbara Walters. Those guys are real relentless investigative journalists.

AIDE: We need to do damage control.

SEN. CLINTON: No [BLEEEEP], Sherlock. Get the whole staff in here. Let's brainstorm this.

[In the next scene HILLARY's entire staff is assembled in her office. All of HILLARY's staffers are stout middle-aged women with close-cropped hair, wearing pantsuits and sensible shoes]

SEN. CLINTON: . . . so that's where we stand right now. We cannot afford to let this get out, or my career is TOAST. And so are your phony baloney careers. Suggestions, ladies?

STAFFER ONE: We need to distract the press and the public.

SEN. CLINTON: Yes, but HOW, goddamn-it?

SECOND STAFFER: Maybe we could send out some anthrax in the mail to some prominent people . . .

SEN. CLINTON: That's promising. But they almost nailed me on that Foster thing. I'd probably be under suspicion immediately. Too risky.

THIRD STAFFER: Hey . . . how about another war?

[general murmuring of approval among all staffers]

SEN. CLINTON: Say, Gertrude, that has real promise. But war with who?

BERTHA: North Korea?

SEN. CLINTON: Naah. That Kim guy, he's no threat. No one will buy it.


SEN. CLINTON: Nah, they're no threat either. Lame.

ORIGINAL AIDE: . . . Iraq?

SEN. CLINTON: Hey, that's IT! Beautiful, Alice. Iraq is perfect. Nobody likes that Saddam bastard, we could make HIM Public Enemy Number One. But . . . the Republicans will insist on a causus belli. What reason can we give for invading Iraq?

GERTRUDE: Didn't Saddam, like, gas his own people?

ALICE: Yeah, but that was years ago.

SEN. CLINTON: Who gives a [BLEEEP] if it was twenty years ago or yesterday. We'll just say he's a monster who GASSED HIS OWN PEOPLE, nobody will care about the details.

BERTHA: I think it would be an easier sell if we painted Saddam as an imminent threat to America. We could say he has WMD's.

SEN. CLINTON: Hell, yeah. Bill said that for years. That's how we'll get Bush on board . . . that and the humanitarian [BLEEEP]. You know how much Bush cares about brown people.

[A later scene shows the Oval Office; President Bush, in his customary spirit of bipartisanship, has convened a meeting with a few prominent Congressional Democrats and Republicans to discuss the risks of invading Iraq]

BUSH [with troubled look on face]: Look, y'all all know that I care about the safety of the American people more than I care about my OWN safety. And I weep myself to sleep every night thinking about the plight of the poor Iraqi people. But . . . I'm just worried that we're being a little hasty on this. For one thing, Afghanistan isn't truly secure yet.

Besides, I think we need to spend more time planning for the aftermath, the reconstruction. If we do this, we can't afford to do it wrong. I'm just worried that if we don't do the hard planning work, and just go barging in there, we'll wind up mired in a quagmire of sectarian violence, a nightmarish situation which will result turning the entire region into a powderkeg . . .

SEN. CLINTON: Don't be such a goddamn pussy, George.

SENATOR KENNEDY: Yeah, stop worrying. It'll be easy. Hell, those Iraqis will be throwing flowers and candy at our troops. You'll be a hero . . . I wouldn't be surprised if they put up statues in your honor.

SENATOR GEORGE ALLEN: Well, I think we all need to devote some time to considering the real possibility of strife between the Shiites and the Sunnis if we depose Saddam . . .

SENATOR KERRY: Whoa, whoa, whoa . . . what's this "Sunni" and "Shiite" stuff? I thought the Iraqis were Muslims!

SEN. ALLEN: They are two different sects of Islam.

SEN. KENNEDY: Well, I'll be damned. I did not know that. Well, it doesn't matter. Freedom is God's gift to all men. I know that some people don't think brown people are capable of self-governance [KENNEDY pauses, stares significantly at ALLEN, who fidgets, eyes darting about nervously] but I don't happen to be one of those people. We just need to liberate the Iraqi people from Saddam - the rest will take care of itself.

PRESIDENT BUSH: Look, I'm all for freedom. Nobody loves freedom more than I do. But I'm concerned that one consequence of the invasion will be to drive the Shiites into the arms of Iran . . . to strengthen Iran in the region. That would be extremely deleterious to American interests.

SEN. KERRY: Nah. Never happen.


SEN. KERRY: It's win-win for us. Once we get, uh, a democratic Iraq I'll bet gas prices will go below a dollar . . .

SEN. CLINTON [adjusts her crotch, belches before speaking]: Look, enough of this goddamn jawing. We need to invade that mother[BLEEEEP]er and we need to invade it NOW. That crazy bastard Saddam is armed to the TEETH with weapons of mass destruction. What if he gives WMD to Al Qaeda and they use them to attack America?

PRESIDENT BUSH: But there's no evidence of any cooperation between Saddam and Al Qaeda. In fact, most of the intelligence shows the opposite.

SEN. KERRY: Maybe you're just looking at the wrong intelligence.

SEN. KENNEDY: Yeah. Maybe you just need different intelligence. What if you're wrong and Saddam does have WMD and is cooperating with Al Qaeda? Do you want the smoking gun to be in the form of a mushroom cloud?

PRESIDENT BUSH: No, of course not. I just think we can afford to take more time to plan this, and if we're going to to do it, to work in good faith with America's allies around the world to build a true international coalition.

SEN. CLINTON [spits]: Enough of this horse[BLEEEP]. [BLEEEP] Saddam. We're taking him out.


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